Taking Care of XUN YU For Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the XUN YU unit. (Apparently I found this in my archives and it looks like it was never published back when I did these. Gave it a couple tweaks and updates.)


**Introduction**

 **So you wanted someone smart and handsome as our SIMA YI unit, but without the attitude and family, eh? Well, you made the right choice with our latest innovation, the XUN YU unit! He's just as good-looking and smart as SIMA YI, but without the bitchiness and family part! The only downside he looks like Zhao Yun, and he may be a turn-off if you were never a fan of Zhao Yun. And we can't guarantee he has "skills", if you know what I mean. Oh, he's skillful in anything nerdy and political-y, we mean that kind of "skill". That involves a bed. That requires two reproductive organs normally. Hey, we said all of our units were fuck-able, but that doesn't mean they are experienced in fucking.**

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 **Comes with**

 **Seven (7) dark blue and black robes with shoulder pad cape thing w/matching pants and gold I-think-it's-a-flower badge thing that's purely for** **aesthetic**

 **Five (5) blue and white robes without shoulder pad cape thing (I dunno, apparently he has two outfits.)**

 **Five (5) plain robes (He actually likes less flashier stuff, but Koei didn't give him a choice during his creation.)**

 **Five (5) shorter DW6 Sima Yi hats with I think is a golden front view of a dragon on top of there or a flower (Seriously, what the hell is that?)**

 **Five (5) purple hair ribbons (Yes, he needs all those hair ribbons. Do you know how hard it is for a dude like him to get hair ribbons in your time? It's all hair clips by now.)**

 **Two (2)** **pairs of boots that have multiple sets of laces on them (No, he doesn't need help in tying them.)**

 **One (1) Sonic Screwdriver/magic wand/giant Uncharted 2 Phurba dagger (You have no idea how many names I have for that weapon.)**

 **Fifty (50) tea leaf containers (He's Chinese first, then British. And both like their tea. There's the Canadian part, but I'm not sure about their affiliation with tea.)**

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 **Name: Xun Yu**

 **Gender: Male (Yes, he's a dude. I know it's hard to see that with his dreamy girly face, but bear with it. Check in the unit's pants for cold hard proof.)**

 **Other Names: Wenruo, Zhao Yun-Zhou Yu-Jiang Wei lovechild, Limey, Adviser of Kings, Zhang Liang**

 **Famous for: Being one of Cao Cao's original homeboys, killing himself over an empty box (Fictional), being so damn gorgeous**

 **Spouse: Cao Cao*scribbled over* Lady Tang (No, he's not married to the orange drink mix powder, you idiot.)**

 **Children: He had five sons and one daughter. Yeah, he's a father. Doesn't look like one though. He's about the least DILF-iest DILF you could get here next to the SIMA YI unit.**

 **Default Age: Approx. 25-45 (He's between there most likely. But it's hard to tell. He acts old, but looks young.)**

 **Appearance: See ZHAO YUN unit, ignore muscular and headband parts**

 **Striking Features: His pretty face that is vaguely like ZHAO YUN's, British accent**

 **Quirks: Acts like he's from the Victorian era, kind of a dork/nerd/dweeb (But an ATTRACTIVE dork/nerd/dweeb!), total spaz if you let him**

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 **Instructions**

 **He's very docile. Like a deer. A bigger, less deer-y and more beautiful deer. Opening the box is no danger as he might be just sleeping in there to help pass the time of being stuck in a box like an object. Once he wakes up and gets up to greet you with the most absolute politeness that will put your greeting to shame. He may question his position on why is he in a building that doesn't look remotely Ancient Chinese and just question everything about until your ears fall off. But if you find his voice to be panty-soaking, then you can let him continue to question you.**

 **Care**

 **It's best you do not pull any slick moves right now. The unit is very aware and cautious and will catch you doing whatever to him. You want to see him in the bathroom? Not a chance. He's going to give you a cold chastising stare that will get you to walk out of there faster than you can say "Yikes". You want him to sleep in the same bed as you? Nope. He's going to sleep on the floor and the only way to get him to sleep with you without sex is that he is comfortable and likes you.**

 **If you plan to date him or try to get into his pants, he's someone you can take home to mom and dad. The XUN YU unit is both the "I'll get her home by ten" and the "she calls me daddy too" type. Your mom will call him "daddy" once she meets him too. Yeah. He can legally hit on your mom since he's over a thousand years old, but won't because he's a gentleman. Think about that for a minute.**

 **How to keep your unit happy**

 **The XUN YU unit is a Paragon type, so really, be a Paragon as well. No Renegade actions. So, no. Don't punch that reporter. Despite his niceness, he surprisingly is not that happy a lot. He pretends to happy more than he is actually happy. But as long as you're happy, he's happy. Sort of. Unless he's in love with you and/or enjoys your friendship, then that's when he can be genuinely happy.**

 **This unit will leave or disobey if...**

 **You abuse him enough**

 **You perform horrendous crimes, whether or not he witnesses it (He will find out eventually.)**

 **Having the CAO CAO unit around (He actually still would listen to you because he's nice like that. He won't consider you a superior, but at least he considers your existence unlike most units.)**

 **You abuse substances when he's around**

 **Be an absolute dick to people/him**

 **You suddenly taking the title of Duke of Wei**

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 **Skills**

 **-Chinese fluency**

 **Yeah, that's a given, but he is fluent in two dialects of Chinese. Mandarin and Cantonese. Weird. Where did he learn Cantonese? Ask him for us.**

 **-Decoy boyfriend**

 **I can't guarantee the XUN YU unit is able to fight off your crazy ex, but he can certainly TRY. But really, use him for your more weaker exes rather than any bulky, LU BU-esque ones to ensure his face stays on his head rather than the pavement. He gets enough of that in Sima Yi Answers Letters. Best to use him to discourage other men and drop their self-esteem like Volkswagen stocks in 2015 because they can never be as pretty as him.**

 **-Genius**

 **While having the looks, he also has brains. Just don't expect him to do calculus. None of our adviser units can do it due to the fact calculus was invented MANY years after their deaths.**

 **-Rich as an English stockbroker**

 **That's if the world still values bronze coins. If he is carrying gold coins, then they might have value. If he's carrying historically accurate currency, you could sell it to museums or collectors. I mean, I'm sure someone would be interested in some old Chinese money.**

 **-So pretty**

 **Jesus, if you can, try taking advantage of that face/maybe body. Whether it is porn or modeling, that face is something that will get you some spending money.**

 **-Sino-British Guy**

 **I don't know where would you need a Chinese British guy in your life, but you certainly wouldn't NOT need one.**

 **-Voice of an Angel**

 **Surprisingly** **, he has a good singing voice. But you'll probably wouldn't get to hear due to him not liking to sing. And he doesn't sing when he showers either. He's very quiet.**

 **Romancing**

 **Males: He is not against it, but he's not all for it either. At all. I mean, you have to be just as pretty as he is in order for him to even CONSIDER you as a romantic option. But typically, he will turn you down and won't let you down easy. If he's going gay, he must have someone worth going gay for and you're most likely not it, Cheeto-Fingers-Hair. You want to know how low your chances are typically? ZERO. There, now stop sexually assaulting him. He doesn't like you in that way. Stop it.**

 **Females: He likes a smart woman, maybe even smarter than him. Depends how Confucian he really is. No matter how Confucian he is, he is a little weird in the kink department which we won't discuss through this manual. Fine, I lied at the introduction. The unit may leave you unable to walk despite how socially inept he seems. But you don't really have to hit his standards or kink department to get him to love you. Well, sort of. You get what we mean. Fit one of the categories that really matter to him and you're cool. Hey, stop grabbing his ass/crotch. Stop it! Jesus. He's literally your dead great-grandpa with the face of an anime stereotype! Or if that's your thing...**

 **Note: If you think you can just buy a GUO JIA unit and pit him and the XUN YU unit together for some hot steamy gay action, that's not going to work either. He's not programmed that way and if you reprogram him, you void the warranty.**

 **Modes**

 **Canadian/British Normal**

 **Melodramatic Spaz *Only activated when under extreme pressure or stress.***

 **-You'll know when it activates. His voice will crack and sound a little more dorky as well as he talks a little faster.**

 **Smitten *Activated when romanced.***

 **-Another word for "clingy".**

 **See Also:**

 **CAO CAO: Superior and long-time best friend, gets paired with him on pixiv**

 **GUO JIA: Colleague, gets paired up with him A LOT on pixiv, is the louder one**

 **XIAHOU DUN: At one point, he sorta acted like a damsel in distress for him in DW8; there's a small section of parings with him and this unit on pixiv**

 **SIMA YI: Some weirdo tends to have him and this unit have a passive-aggressive/slightly homoerotic relationship in some crappy fanfiction gag story, has one Path of Destiny conversation with him in that Zhao Yun spin-off that is just Sima Yi basically rejecting him and breaking his heart**

 **FAQ'S**

 ** _Measurements. Now._**

 **He's 5'11 without the hat.**

 _ **No! Not that! His you-know-what!**_

 **That's confidential. To be honest, no one has ever seen the XUN YU unit's penis. It's like an alien. We know it exists, but we never have seen it.**

 _ **How could you have not seen his penis?**_

 **We've seen plenty of our units' penises, we doubt the XUN YU unit is any different. It's a penis. Just because XUN YU is pretty, doesn't mean it will be any different than all of the pretty boy units.**

 ** _Can I cut his hair? My parents don't trust men with long hair. They tend to be douchebags or metal rock stars or both._**

 **Well, XUN YU is not a douchebag, so he gets to keep his flowing locks. Cutting his hair voids the warranty. Also, it's very soft, why would you do that? It's like having a stuffed animal in hair form. It smells really nice too. Maybe smells nicer than yours.**

 ** _So... What tricks does he know for the bedroom...?  
_**

 **You know how complex Chinese characters look and are? Yeah. Imagine him writing them with his tongue. On your body. Yeah. Totally better than boring English letters.**

 _ **Won't his tongue get tired...? I mean, all of those Chinese letters...**_

 **Characters. Chinese characters. And he's from an entirely different culture, you don't know that. Maybe Chinese characters take less effort than the English alphabet. You don't know that. Unless you know both writing systems, only you can make that judgement.**

 ** _He sort of sounds like a less manlier Patrick Stewart. Or a manlier C-3PO. Can I switch his voice?_**

 **First off, then it's not Patrick Stewart. Second, the unit has that voice only. Maybe in the future, we'll release a patch that has his official English voice. If he does get an official English voice.**

 **COPYRIGHT 2017**


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